This story appears in the May 6 2013 issue of Sports Illustrated.
I'm a 34 year old NBA center. I'm black. And I'm gay.
I didn't set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am I'm happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn't the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying I'm different. If I had my way someone else would have already done this. Nobody has which is why I'm raising my hand.
My journey of self discovery and self acknowledgement began in my hometown of Los Angeles and has taken me through two state high school championships the NCAA Final Four and the Elite Eight and nine playoffs in 12 NBA seasons.
PHOTO GALLERY Jason Collins through the years
I've played for six pro teams and have appeared in two NBA Finals. Ever heard of a parlor game called Three Degrees of Jason Collins If you're in the league and I haven't been your teammate I surely have been one of your teammates' teammates. Or one of your teammates' teammates' teammates.
Now I'm a free agent literally and figuratively. I've reached that enviable state in life in which I can do pretty much what I want. And what I want is to continue to play basketball. I still love the game and I still have something to offer. My coaches and teammates recognize that. At the same time I want to be genuine and authentic and truthful.
Why am I coming out now Well I started thinking about this in 2011 during the NBA player lockout. I'm a creature of routine. When the regular season ends I immediately dedicate myself to getting game ready for the opener of the next campaign in the fall. But the lockout wreaked havoc on my habits and forced me to confront who I really am and what I really want. With the season delayed I trained and worked out. But I lacked the distraction that basketball had always provided.
The first relative I came out to was my aunt Teri a superior court judge in San Francisco. Her reaction surprised me. I've known you were gay for years she said. From that moment on I was comfortable in my own skin. In her presence I ignored my censor button for the first time. She gave me support. The relief I felt was a sweet release. Imagine you're in the oven baking. Some of us know and accept our sexuality right away and some need more time to cook. I should know I baked for 33 years.
When I was younger I dated women. I even got engaged. I thought I had to live a certain way. I thought I needed to marry a woman and raise kids with her. I kept telling myself the sky was red but I always knew it was blue.
I realized I needed to go public when Joe Kennedy my old roommate at Stanford and now a Massachusetts congressman told me he had just marched in Boston's 2012 Gay Pride Parade. I'm seldom jealous of others but hearing what Joe had done filled me with envy. I was proud of him for participating but angry that as a closeted gay man I couldn't even cheer my straight friend on as a spectator. If I'd been questioned I would have concocted half truths. What a shame to have to lie at a celebration of pride. I want to do the right thing and not hide anymore. I want to march for tolerance acceptance and understanding. I want to take a stand and say Me too.
The recent Boston Marathon bombing reinforced the notion that I shouldn't wait for the circumstances of my coming out to be perfect. Things can change in an instant so why not live truthfully When I told Joe a few weeks ago that I was gay he was grateful that I trusted him. He asked me to join him in 2013. We'll be marching on June 8.
No one wants to live in fear. I've always been scared of saying the wrong thing. I don't sleep well. I never have. But each time I tell another person I feel stronger and sleep a little more soundly. It takes an enormous amount of energy to guard such a big secret. I've endured years of misery and gone to enormous lengths to live a lie. I was certain that my world would fall apart if anyone knew. And yet when I acknowledged my sexuality I felt whole for the first time. I still had the same sense of humor I still had the same mannerisms and my friends still had my back.
Believe it or not my family has had bigger shocks. Strange as it seems today my parents expected only one child in 1978. Me. When I came out (for the first time) the doctors congratulated my mother on her healthy seven pound one ounce baby boy. Wait said a nurse. Here comes another one The other one who arrived eight minutes later and three ounces heavier was Jarron. He's followed me ever since to Stanford and to the NBA and as the ever so slightly older brother I've looked out for him.
I had a happy childhood in the suburbs of L.A. My parents instilled in us an appreciation of history art and most important Motown. Jarron and I weren't allowed to listen to rap until we were 12. After our birthday I dashed to Target and bought DJ Quik's album Quik Is the Name. I memorized every line. It was around this time that I began noticing subtle differences between Jarron and me. Our twinness was no longer synchronized. I couldn't identify with his attraction to girls.
I feel blessed that I recognized my own attractions. Though I resisted my impulses through high school I knew that when I was ready I had someone to turn to my uncle Mark in New York. I knew we could talk without judgment and we did last summer. Uncle Mark is gay. He and his partner have been in a stable relationship forever. For a confused young boy I can think of no better role model of love and compassion.
I didn't come out to my brother until last summer. His reaction to my breakfast revelation was radically different from Aunt Teri's. He was downright astounded. He never suspected. So much for twin telepathy. But by dinner that night he was full of brotherly love. For the first time in our lives he wanted to step in and protect me.